We often focus on how our partner should change. But we have limited power over this. It is harder to focus on how we can change. But this is where we have power.
We do this for good reasons. We want to be supported, respected, safe, secure, and loved. These needs are valid and important for human thriving. Ideally, both partners are selflessly working towards meeting each other’s needs. Inevitably, our partner will fail to do this perfectly and can leave us feeling disappointed and alone.
In my experience as a therapist, I often see clients whose partners not only fail to meet their needs, but consistently make choices that are hurtful and detrimental to the relationship.
Maybe you feel unheard whenever you bring up a difficult conversation. Maybe you feel fully responsible for the home or the children. Maybe you feel worried about your partner’s mental health. Maybe you feel betrayed by something your partner said or did or continues to do. Maybe you feel that your partner does not respect or love you. Maybe you feel unpursued or unsupported by your partner. Maybe you feel all alone in a place where you thought you would belong.
Even in these circumstances, I urge my clients to grieve these losses and focus on being their own advocate. Perhaps this means choosing divorce or separation. I do not know your situation. But waiting for our partner to change can leave us powerless. Focusing on things we can change is empowering.
How This Typically Plays Out
1. We notice negative behaviors in our partner (e.g. my partner never cooks).
2. We see our partner as a bad person (e.g. my partner is selfish).
3. We start questioning our relationship (e.g. this relationship is unhealthy).
4. We feel distant from our partner, begin to resent them, and are unsatisfied in the relationship.
A Better Path
1. Be My Own Advocate
- I want my partner to love and validate me, but if my partner struggles to do this, I can shift to advocating for myself.
- I can participate in self-care and community-care.
- I can be responsible for my own emotions and my own happiness.
- I can validate my own worth.
- I can celebrate my victories.
2. Be Open Minded
- When we focus on the negatives, we tend to miss out on the good that our partner and relationship have to offer.
- What are my partner’s positive qualities?
- Am I missing ways my partner is trying to love me?
- What are the strengths of our relationship?
- How can the challenges of our relationship help me grow?
3. Be Vulnerable
- Often we suffer alone, but there can be great opportunity in communicating with our partner about how we can work together to improve our relationship.
- I can courageously address issues with my partner in a clear, kind way.
- I can share vulnerably how my partner’s actions impact my feelings.
- I can ask for what I need.
- ***If communication is difficult, I encourage you to ask your partner if they would be open to trying therapy together as a place to talk through difficult things with the help of a therapist.
In practice, this can be hard to do, especially if we feel hurt and disappointed. But what if it could be worth it? What do you have to lose? What if there could be something better? Research shows that we consistently underestimate how these small actions can have a huge impact on improving our relationship and happiness.
Practical Thoughts
Instead Of: My partner is not doing enough.
Try This: I will focus on what I can give to the relationship and ask for what I need from my partner in a clear, kind way.
Instead Of: My partner is causing me anxiety.
Try This: I am responsible for my emotions and can intentionally practice self-care.
Instead Of: My partner makes it impossible for me to be happy.
Try This: I can always make changes in an effort to improve the relationship, and I can pursue my own happiness.
Instead Of: My partner is a bad person.
Try This: My partner is a complex human being with struggles and victories. They are on their own journey.
Instead Of: This relationship is unhealthy.
Try This: My relationship has strengths and weaknesses, like all relationships.
Written By: Sarah Swygart
